Coffeeson

The first ever picture of Coffeeson:



A lot of people say that he looks like his dad:



Yeah, I think I see it.

This Day in History

Date: June 25, 1957
Scene: A group of church members gathering in Cleveland, Ohio

Guy: All right, everyone. We've pretty much worked everything out except one detail. What shall we call this new church of ours? I propose that, since we are a newly united church, we should call ourselves the United Church of Christ.

Second Guy: Um...pardon me for a second.

Guy: Yes, you'd like to speak to the name?

Second Guy: Yeah, about that. Don't you think that if we called ourselves that, people might confuse us with the Church of Christ?

Guy: Why would people do that? It's a totally different church.

Second Guy: Well, yes, but Church of Christ, United Church of Christ...they're pretty similar.

Guy: You answered your own question. Clearly, our name has the word "United" in front of it.

Second Guy: But people might not get that they're different.

Guy: Of course they're different. They're just the Church of Christ. We're the UNITED Church of Christ.

Second Guy: I'm just saying that maybe we should think about something more distinctive...

Guy: We'd have the "United" in front, plus we use organs. No one could ever confuse the two.

Second Guy: I don't know, man...they seem pretty similar to me...

Guy: Not possible. People will be able to tell the difference. Our own members, non-members, the media, the governor of Connecticut...they'll all easily recognize that we're not the same and always call us by our proper name.

Second Guy: I'm not so sure...

Guy: Of course they will. UNITED Church of Christ. It's can't-miss. We'll never ever have to explain to anyone that they're different.

Second Guy: But is adding an extra word going to be enough? They still seem really close...

Guy: All in favor of "United Church of Christ" as our new name, say "Aye!"

Everyone Else: Aye!

Happy birthday, UNITED Church of Christ.

Haikus

Diaper change again
That's the seventh one today
Stop sniffing that, cat

Trying to slim down
Eating well and working out
Three pounds lost so far

Six days' work this week
Wedding, and then baptism
There could be worse things

Father McKenzie
Sermons for non-attendees
Yes, no one comes near

Happy Thanksgiving

Sung to the tune of "Deck the Halls"


Happy Thanksgiving, Happy Thanks
Giving Happy Thanksgiving Happy!

Thanksgiving Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving, Happy Thanksgiv!

Ing, Happy Thanksgiving Happy
Thanksgiving, Happy Thanksgiving Hap!

Py! Thanksgiving Happy Thanksgiv
Ing, Happy Thanksgiving, Happy THANKS!

Congratulations to Philosophy Over Coffee!

This week the 2007 Weblog Awards were announced, and I have some great news!

Philosophy Over Coffee wasn't even nominated! Neither of its readers thought to wander over to give it a mention!

That means that this blog will not receive the extra couple hits that a win surely would have produced!

It also means that I will not receive any sort of grand prize in the mail that surely accompanies such an honor, like a million dollar cash prize, or an exotic trip, or a free Frosty at Wendy's! I won't even get to tell my friends and family about the really neat online award that I won and thus receive such acclaim and shouts of joy and congratulation, or at least a few bowed heads shaking in shame!

My recognition for spending hours upon hours this past year filling out memes, writing riveting original essays, and depriving myself of daylight will have to wait another year.

Nevertheless, faithful audience, I thank you for reading. Some day I will properly be honored for the time that I really should be spending with flesh-and-blood human beings!

(HT to Serotoninrain)

Please Don't Take This Too Seriously

From an irreverent Anglican priest across the pond:

At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.

Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone....."I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child dies in Africa."

A voice from the back of the audience yells out........"Then fookin stop clapping yer hands, ya arsehole!"

Sunday Morning Haikus

Two-hour youth thing
Took twice as long to plan it
Now what do I do?

Shopping at Wal-Mart
Dodging around many carts
Want to punch someone

We're at thirteen weeks
Wive's tale says we'll have a girl
Mommy keeps barfing

More Children's Sermons Rejected by Textweek

Sometimes, to break the monotony of a good, logically sound object lesson, it's good to just tell a simple story with a sound Jesus-ish message. Here are a few of my favorites...


"I'd like to tell you a story about a boy named Xanish. Xanish needed help with his homework one night, so he asked his father to help him.

'Father,' Xanish asked, 'I seem to be having some difficulty with my math homework. Could you please help me?'

'I don't know, son,' Father replied, 'Doesn't God want us to work out our own problems?'

'Um...what does that have to do with math?' Xanish was confused.

'You see, son, there was this man named Abraham. He was once afraid of the Pharaoh of Egypt, so he told the guards that Sarah was his sister so that they wouldn't kill him. And then it all worked out. So you should work on your math by yourself because it's what God wants so that you'll grow up to be a good American citizen.'

'But didn't Pharaoh find out about Sarah being Abraham's wife, Father? I'm pretty sure that God got upset about that whole thing.'

And Xanish was spanked fifteen times and sent to bed. Obey your parents. The end."


"I'd like to tell you a story about a girl named Newrionah. One day Newrionah went to school, carrying her backpack and her lunchbox, as she so often did. On this particular day, the class was introduced to a new student.

'Class,' the teacher said, 'this is Renquillah. She just moved here from Idaho.'

And Renquillah sat down at a desk next to Newrionah. When it came time for lunch, Newrionah turned to Renquillah and said, 'Would you like to sit with me and my friends in the cafeteria?'

Renquillah blushed with excitement. 'Yes, that'd be great!'

And so Newrionah and Renquillah sat down with Newrionah's friends Goitvan, Atari, Limerick, Zxcvbnm, and Fladelpuss. They all shared their lunches just like something that Paul wrote someplace.

Then they met the boys on the playground: Klattproof, He-Man, Portwevurt, Adfart, and Pete. All the other kids picked on Pete for his stupid name. The end."

Children's Sermons that Textweek Rejected

Text: John 8:1-11
Theme: Jesus Doesn't Want You To Throw Rocks
Props: A handful of rocks, one for each child.

Lesson: Say, "what have I brought with me today?" (Rocks.) "That's right, rocks. What can you do with rocks?" (Paint them, throw them, use as a paperweight, build a house, arrange a meditation garden with them). "Wow. Those are all great ideas. But the one that I want to talk about today is throwing rocks. Have you ever thrown a rock?" (Wait for responses) "Did it feel good?" (Wait for responses) "Did you want to do it again?" (Wait for responses) "Have you ever thrown a rock at another person?" (Wait for responses, take names of those who answer yes)

Say: "Well, I want to tell you a story. There was this group of people who wanted to throw rocks at a woman caught in adultery. Do you know what adultery is?" (Wait for responses. Many probably won't, in which case you say:) "Well, ask your parents when you get home." (Now hold a rock in your hand) "So these people wanted to throw rocks at this woman. And Jesus was nearby and heard about it. And he told them, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Do you think anyone threw a rock after he said that?" (No. Take names of children who answer yes) "No, they didn't. Because we're all sinful and totally evil. So God doesn't want us to throw rocks. So now I'll give you each a rock to remember not to throw it." (Hand each child a rock)

Prayer: Dear God, thank you for teaching us not to throw rocks. Help these children not to throw their rocks at each other or anyone else. Maybe in the river or at trees, but not at each other. And help them remember that it's because you love us and want us to love others. Amen.


Text: Acts 2:42-47
Theme: God Wants Us to Be the Same
Props: A bag of plain M & Ms

Lesson: Say: "Good morning!" (Wait for response) "I brought something along with me today. Can you tell me what it is?" (A bag of M & Ms) "That's right! I brought a bag of M & Ms with me." (I like M & Ms) "Do you? Me too. That's why I brought them. Look at all the different colors in here! What sorts of colors are here today?" (Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, brown) "Very good! You got them all!" (One time we had a bag of red and white M & Ms) "Really? Yeah, there are other colors too, aren't there?" (Yeah, one time we had some Shrek ones. They were green and brown and orange) "Wow, lots of different colors!" (Can we have some now?) "No, not yet. I have to tell you about the church. So when the church first got together, they shared everything. In lots of ways they were the same because they all loved Jesus and had the same faith. Kind of like these M & Ms. They look different on the outside, but on the inside they taste the same, don't they?" (What about the kind with peanuts?) "Well, those don't count." (Why not?) "Because I don't have any of the peanut kind." (What about the peanut butter ones? I like those better) "No, not the peanut butter ones either. Just the plain ones." (Why don't the others count?) "Because we're the plain kind." (Well, who are the other kinds, then?) "No one is the other kind." (But someone has to be the other kind. They're real, too) "The point is that we all taste the same." (God is going to eat us?) "No, we're just the plain ones because we all love Jesus and taste the same." (That's not what I asked) "Look, we're plain M & Ms, we all love Jesus no matter what color we are, and that's it." (After the prayer, give M & Ms to everyone except that kid)

Prayer: Dear God, thank you for bringing us together by faith in you. Help us to remember that we're all the exact same on the inside because of Jesus. And help us to remember that it's because you love us and want us to love others. Amen.


Text: Matthew 28:1-10
Theme: God Resurrected Jesus and It Might Have Happened Like This
Props: A 9V battery, a red and blue wire, a light socket, a light bulb, a small 10" x 8" board, superglue, a Philips-head screwdriver, a cross, a picture of the empty tomb, a white sheet, copies of the medical explanation for fainting, a floor fan, a bag of suckers, stickers that say "He Is Risen!"

Before the lesson: During the hours upon hours that you'll surely devote to preparing for this lesson, glue the port for the battery and the light socket to the board, and attach the wires to the battery port. Screw the light bulb into the socket, but don't attach the other ends of the wires yet! Also, stick the "He is Risen!" stickers on the suckers.

Lesson: Say, "Good morning!" (Wait for response) "Who can tell me what today is?" (Easter) "That's right! It's Easter Sunday! Today is the day when we celebrate Jesus' rising from the dead! First, how did Jesus die?" (On the cross) "That's right, on the cross." (Show them the cross) "But then on the third day after he died on the cross, some women went to the tomb" (Turn on the fan) "And there was an earthquake and all this weird stuff happened where a man wearing white came down" (Hold sheet in front of fan so that it blows around) "And when he did that, the soldiers guarding the tomb fainted" (Read a brief excerpt from the medical explanation) "And the man in white came down and rolled back the stone, and the women saw that nothing was inside" (Show a picture of the empty tomb) "And he said that Jesus had been raised from the dead!" (Turn off the fan. Bring out the light bulb rig)

Say, "Do you know how it happened?" (No.) "No, me neither. But it might have looked like this. Jesus' body didn't have any power, like this light bulb. But God acted like a battery and sent the wires of the Holy Spirit into the tomb to give him life again!" (Attach wires to light socket, and the light will light up) "See? Just like this! How wonderful that Jesus could burn bright again, and that his filament is eternal!" (After the prayer, pass out the suckers with the stickers attached to them)

Prayer: Dear God, thank you for making Jesus burn bright again. Thank you for the everlasting conduit of your Holy Spirit. And help us to remember that it's because you love us and want us to love others. Amen.

No Really, It Makes Sense...

This morning's worship service is brought to you by Pink Floyd, NASCAR, and the Pope.

And for now, I'll leave it at that.

In the Beginning...

In the beginning, man aspired to play guitar.

Man started with an acoustic, for he did want to be like unto the Dave Matthews.

Man realized that being like unto the Dave Matthews would be a lot more work than he realized, so he did thus settle for being mediocre and functional.

Eventually, man did want to expand his aspirations, and thus acquired an electric guitar.

But lo, the man was underwhelmed, even with knowledge bestowed as to quickly play scales. The electric did not please the man, for simple rhythmic playing did not suit the electric's intended purposes.

The day came when the man borrowed a small guitar amp. But lo, the man was still underwhelmed.

"It is not good for the electric to be strummed," the man said to himself. "For surely a clean strum is not that for which it was intended." And the man did begin to plan selling the guitar and returning the amp.

The man did then discover a small square button on the amp labeled "Drive." Upon pressing the button, the guitar became aggressive and grungy.

And the man laughed maniacally.

And lo, the woman was about to be greatly irritated.

I'm Sick of Writing

I'm sick of writing.

I don't want to do it any more.

In fact, I'm so sick of writing that I'm writing this to tell you how much I'm sick of writing.

I'm using this medium to communicate to you how sick I am of using this medium to communicate how sick I am of this medium. And of communicating. With this medium.

It's time to let this blog go and never come back.

Except I will check in from time to time just to make sure that the blog doesn't disappear. I did have some good stuff on here, in my opinion.

But no more new stuff. No. No more. This is the last new stuff that I do.

This will be the last word that I write.

Except "this" wasn't the last word that I wrote.

"Wrote" is.

Now "is" is.

Now "'is' is" is.

Except those were the last two words that I wrote.

Now "wrote" is again.

Or was.

Now "was" was.

Or is.

But anyway, no more writing. I'm sick of it.

I'm gone. Forever.

Not physically. Or metaphysically. Just blog-aphysically.

I made up a word just now.

I'm sick of making up new words.

I just want to use the same old crappy ones.

And I'm just going to say them. No more writing them. Because I'm sick of writing.

So no more, starting now.

Or right after I post this.

Or after I'm done answering comments from people who want me to stay. Or after I'm done arguing with people who leave comments saying how much they're glad I'm done. Yeah, after I'm done writing about how dumb they are, I'm done.

So done. So very done. Absolutely done. Unequivocally done, done, and really done.

I hope that my writing this showed you how sick I am of writing.

If it didn't, you'll see soon enough.

And if you still don't, I'm going to keep writing until you do.

And then after that I'll stop.

Don't Read This If You Really Like Valentine's Day

My brother sent me this list of sayings for Valentine's Cards that Hallmark won't use for some reason. Enjoy.

~If love were a flavor of ice cream, it would be Mint Chocolate Chip because I love that flavor.

~I used to think that love was something I could feel only once in a lifetime. And then I met your sister.

~Love is like applesauce--it's mushy and makes me want to poop.

~Two lovers in love are better than three lovers in a love triangle, because two is less than three, and too much love can give you gas.

~Roses are red, violets are blue, yada yada yada here's a card.

~If Chuck Norris were your boyfriend, he probably would have gotten you more than this crappy card.

~The Beatles once philosophized that all you need is love. I would argue that you need food, water, and shelter, too.

~If my love for you were a television show, I would definitely TiVo it every week.

~I would really like to vocalize my feelings for you, but I'm a wuss, so this card does it for me.

~Did you ever think when we met that we would be as happy as we are now? I know I didn't.

~Love is like a fine wine--it gets better with age and can stain the rug.

~Someone once asked me to compare love to a flower. I thought that was stupid.

~If I could think of a song that would describe my love for you, I think I would choose something by Dido...maybe that duet she did with Eminem...that had a good beat.

Let The Great Experiment Begin!

You've probably heard about the video game Left Behind: Eternal Forces and what a pock mark it is on the face of American Christianity. If not, that's okay. For what it's worth, here's my favorite analysis of the game from Brant at Kamp Krusty.

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is from a recent article from Talk 2 Action which features the observation that LE:ET actually has its own spambots. Yeah, if a blog mentions this stupid game, one of these spambots will come along and say something like:

Hey, with so many people having an opinion about this game, how many have actually played it? And what credibility do they have? Focus on the Family has publications which can set the record straight for everyone...at [link deleted].

I've actually seen this exact message turn up on two blogs, one being Brant's. That's why I have begun this little experiment.

I'm going to try to get spammed by the Left Behind: Eternal Forces spambot.

I imagine that it won't take terribly long, unless my word verification does what it's supposed to do. Both the blogs I've seen these messages on are Typepad rather than Blogger. Well, it's worth a shot.

So whether or not you've played Left Behind: Eternal Forces, just know that somewhere out there is a Left Behind: Eternal Forces spammer, ready to plug Left Behind: Eternal Forces if you mention Left Behind: Eternal Forces on your blog, if you blog about Left Behind: Eternal Forces, or if Left Behind: Eternal Forces is mentioned on your blog. Left Behind: Eternal Forces.

Okay, go!

Wow...

I've been chewing on this for the past hour or so after reading it. It's truly remarkable. Apparently there's a cure for information overload. You'll have to see it for yourself.

Coming Clean

I haven't shared what I'm about to type with very many people before now. It's been brewing in my heart and mind for a while, and at this late hour it's starting to consume me. I need an outlet, a time to vent, a place to share, and now that things are officially moving forward, I feel more free to discuss it.

I'm quitting the ministry.

It was strange to type those words. It's strange to read them.

I was convinced for so long that this was my life's vocation, what God was calling me to do. Through four years of college and three years of seminary I was convinced that this was my path. But then I actually started doing it. It's a different matter from the dream to the reality. A disappointing reality. A disheartening reality.

I thought I'd be engrossing people in theology and the Bible. They want to believe what they've always believed. No one wants to think. They want to be told what to think.

I thought I'd be leading people to interact with their communities, to work alongside those who need help, to establish connections in the mission field. Turnouts for these events have been absolutely pathetic. People would rather spend their Saturdays at the mall.

I thought I'd be able to provide a stirring message to the masses every single Sunday. Most weeks I barely scrape by.

I thought I'd help make a difference for the kingdom of God. I can't do that unless others are willing to be different, to give new ideas a chance.

I've prayed about this long and hard. I've anguished in secret, behind closed doors. I can't put into words how sick this makes me, how sick I've felt for quite a long time now. But this is the right thing to do. While it doesn't feel as if a burden has lifted yet, I know that in the long run I will feel more free and more alive than I have over the past 14 months. My family and friends with whom I've wept and on whom I've depended throughout this process have been understanding. My wife, who is in the middle of nursing school, is less than thrilled because it puts her education and career in question. I'll need prayers from a lot of people for a long time while we figure this out.

In the meantime, I discussed this with my church's executive council and will be drafting a letter to present to our Consistory this coming month.

As it currently stands, the plan is for my final day to be July 1st, three months from today...

...which is April 1st.

Christian Spotted at University of Florida

From The Onion:

GAINESVILLE, FL–In an address before three fellow residents of Tenney Hall's fourth-floor west wing Tuesday, University of Florida sophomore Jeff Arnell, 18, issued a warning about the Christian in 462.

"If you see the guy who lives in the single down at the end of the hall, get away," Arnell told Troy Rasbach, Pete Marquez and Jonathan Wilkins, who had assembled in Arnell's room to watch SportsCenter. "He'll totally corner you and start telling you about Jesus."

According to Arnell, the Christian, Ocala, FL, elementary-education major Matthew Leske, not only attends church on a regular basis despite a lack of parental supervision at school, but also voluntarily goes to campus prayer meetings and other Christian youth-group functions.

Arnell said he first suspected his dormmate's faith in the Lord last Friday.

"I was punching in my door combo when he came up to me and asked me for help with his e-mail," Arnell said. "So I go to his room, and I'm setting up his UF campus account, and I start to notice all this weird stuff on his walls, like this cross on his bulletin board and this poster that said, 'I am the light and the world' or something. He even had one of those metal fish symbols like you see on cars. Then, when it came time to choose his password, he types in 'Corinthians,' and I was like, 'Oh, shit, get me out of here.'"

Several hours after the encounter, Arnell was once again approached by Leske, this time in the dorm's study lounge. "He came up to me and thanked me for helping him with the e-mail and everything. I was like, 'Hey no prob, man,' but he kept acting all super-nice to me," Arnell said. "I was definitely getting nervous."

After talking about his class schedule for approximately 90 seconds, Leske invited Arnell to attend a Bible reading at his church, the New Life Assembly, on Friday. When Arnell declined, saying he had other plans, Leske invited him to drop by the church's New Student Welcome Picnic on Sunday.

"I said I'd try to make it, but I told him I didn't know for sure if I could because I had a paper due the next day," said Arnell, who was raised Christian himself but is not "all weird about it." "If that guy knocks on my door Sunday morning, I'll be seriously freaked."

After becoming trapped in an excruciatingly long conversation about the importance of letting Christ into their hearts and minds, Rasbach and Marquez concluded that "something must be done." Not only will Leske's presence expose Tenney Hall residents to proselytizing, they said, but it will also make them more vulnerable to punishment for breaking dorm rules, including those pertaining to observation of quiet hours, drug and alcohol use, and visitations from females after midnight.

"That guy in 462 better not rat us out to the R.A.," Rasbach said. "We're gonna have to really watch it now." The four dormmates who assembled in Arnell's room have developed a Christian-avoidance strategy, one which includes "scoping out" the fourth-floor west wing for the possible presence of Leske before discussing the purchase of alcoholic beverages; avoiding Leske in the dorm's dining hall and study area; and agreeing to "rescue" each other from conversations with the Christian in the event of accidental contact.

"We have got to be majorly careful," Arnell said. "He'll suck you in, dude."

Day of Celebration

Today is my wife's last day working as a manager at Red Lobster. To celebrate, I'm ordering her a t-shirt from this website.